and you don't need the light...

I have had enough. A month ago, I thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Now I've realized last month was nothing compared to this month. I'm exhausted. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be loved. I don't want to love. Nothing is free to simply exist. There's so much that comes along with it. I'm trying to advance my life but I keep getting knocked backwards. Sometimes it's because of me. Sometimes it's because of others. There are times I wish I had the balls to just end it all.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to smash things. As much as I want this, I won't. Instead, I am getting in my car. I am driving. I have nowhere to go. I will use the moon as my guide because it's glow is the only thing I'm sure will always be there these days.

Just got back from my shrink appointment. Oh wow, I can work them so well. Needless to say, I got what I wanted out of her. It was very amusing. I'll post more about the experience later. No wonder Brenda has always been the Six Feet Under character I identify with most.

Unfortunately right now, I have to go to the FUCKING COMCAST OFFICE.

Rambling will commence later. I'll just edit this entry at some point later today.

You think that luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

We're so familiar to eachother, but we can be complete strangers. We lie together, side by side. I can feel your breath on me and I know you're right there. Yet, we're so far apart. We don't know what will happen from one moment to the next. Sometimes we speak to eachother in a language without words and can be in complete understanding. Sometimes when we speak in a language with words, we say all the wrong things. We've built up walls to shield one from another. We've had to protect ourselves from the secrets, the lies, the unknown, and the pain. We're not perfect, and we're even farther from poetic. We're a messy composition of two girls with a long line of mistakes who could not seem to fit together snugly, no matter how hard we tried. I think we've tried too hard. Maybe we weren't meant to fit together. Maybe we're not supposed to fit together. We've been trying to fit two halves into a whole. We spent too much time trying to convince ourselves that we could be made into a whole for years. When we step out of the togetherness long enough to stand apart, we realize that we will never be whole. We have to put ourselves first. That is the only way to become whole. If we aren't any good as individuals, how can we expect to harmonize this love between us? If I can't understand myself and you can't understand yourself, we will never be able to understand eachother. We've called eachother self-absorbed and you know, maybe that's not such a bad thing. We have to absorb. All of it. Everything. Take it in. Squeeze it out. Suck it up again. Rinse. Repeat.

The secret to life is to let things happen naturally. It's human nature to deny what is forced upon us. We start to run. We panic. When we let things happen naturally, we'll find the walls we've built up around ourselves will start to crumble and we can touch souls new and cleansed.

You can bitch all about me if it allows you to deal with past events. You can lie about me. You can talk shit about me. You can do whatever you damned well please.

You sit up on your high horse and call me a liar. You call me a whore. You call me a malicious bitch who was set out to ruin a relationship. You called me deceitful.

Let me set this record straight. You, my dear, are also a liar. You are also a whore. You are also a malicious bitch who was set out to ruin a relationship. You are deceitful.

Everything I am guilty of, you are guilty of as well.

Before anything EVER happened between you and I, you started shit with Amy. Why? You were in love with me. You cussed her out on my phone via text messages while I was asleep. You posted a dramatic post in your journal regarding her looking at your journal. Even Matthew agreed with me that it was unnecessary and created to provoke drama. There were more occurrences, it didn't stop there. You hated her. You told me you hated her. You told Matthew you hated her. You KNOW you hated her. You wanted her to be out of the picture so you could have me.

I did have feelings for you at one point in time. However, did I EVER start shit with Matthew to attempt to get him out of the picture? No. I respected you and I respected him. You talked so much shit about him. You made him out to be a complete asshole and I believed it, because I didn't know him at that point. Now I understand there are so many sides to a story. I don't think you understand this. It seems like there is only one side of the story, and that is your side. You don't want to look bad. It's so much easier to place blame on other people. You used to make Matthew out to be an evil bastard, never ONCE mentioning your faults.

Like Tori says: You always find my faults, faster than you find your own.

So like I said, knock yourself out attempting to make me into a monster. Notice, this is the first post I've made about you. I don't even want to know how much time you've devoted to berating me.

Do you ever feel like you have everything figured out only to realize what you thought you know, has been completely annihilated?

You're left naked, screaming, and helpless... much like the day you were born.

There comes a point in your life when an epiphany knocks you on your ass. You have to let go - of yourself. Just let it go. Everything you know. Everything you've been. Everything you've pretended to be. Let it go.

I've realized that I've not always been true to myself, and true to others. At times, I've felt I've been Everyone Else's Girl, always putting others before myself. I never liked to hurt people. I never wanted to be a bitch. Somehow this blew up in my face on several occasions. By not practicing brutal honesty, I have left a trail of pain, anger, and bitter feelings. One half of myself feels like a genuinely nice person, but by holding back, this nice person has become a downright fucking bitch. I've hurt people I never wanted to hurt. Somehow I'm still standing, but I can't walk on these legs any longer. If I don't cleanse myself I know I will never have success in myself, friendships, and relationships.

This girl has to disappear. I know what's wrong. I know what's right. Why do I let this girl, this persistent alter ego, fuck up so much of my life? The only way to get rid of her, is to kill her. Smother and stifle until she no longer has the strength to live inside me. I've created her, and the only one to create her demise is her creator.

I'm tired of running. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of holding back. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of hurting myself. I'm tired of secrets. I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of not being the person I want to be. This is not who I meant to be. This is not how I meant to feel. I give up and I accept what I've done to myself, and what I've done to others. I've sunk to the bottom of an abyss. The only way to survive, is to drop the baggage strapped to my back.

It's time to say goodbye to the past. I'm drowning.... flailing around in a sea of deceit. No one will save me now. I'm running out of allies and my greatest enemy is the part of myself I've allowed to consume my truth.

I raise a glass, make a toast, a toast in your honor. I hear you laugh, and beg me not to dance.

It's time to let you go.

 

Is negative attention better than no attention at all?

I wouldn't agree, but we all need to get by on something I suppose.

So many people are so consumed by drama. They thrive on it. They create it. Without drama, they would be nothing. It's so easy to pretend to be a victim. The world is against you, and you are powerless. Bullshit. Soon, people will no longer care about the problems one can easily remedy him/herself. It's a time bomb. It's ticking.. ticking.. ticking.. Then BOOM! The only ones that care, are the ones who were blinded by the self-destruction. It's time to open our eyes.

I've somehow acquired the ability to expose people. To figure them out. I may not always do things the right way, but sometimes ugliness rears it's head. It's all a part of life. It isn't out of cruelty. It's to find out who people are, and what they mean. How do they fit it? The only way to solve the mystery is to see what they're made of. To expose their weaknesses, their lies, their need to put others at fault to feel better about themselves, their false realities they create for themselves. Sometimes I wonder; is this a blessing? Is this a curse? Whatever it is, maybe it cannot be defined. Perhaps it was all part of some master plan to open my eyes to something that wasn't meant to be.

Everything happens for a reason. We come and go, in and out of eachother's lives. We learn from the people we come in contact with. We learn of the good, and the bad. We are left to interpret the grey areas of the ones that cannot fully express themselves. We learn of our truth, and we learn our deception. Who is to blame? The entire human race is to blame, in one way or another. We push eachother away, and just when we think we are finally free, we're back again. We're looking for more. We're looking for something to hold onto, but in reality, we're all already gone.

What is a happy ending? I've realized happy endings are a major contribution to our demise. It's not entirely our fault. We are spoon-fed promises of happy endings beginning in early childhood. I don't recall many books I read as a child that didn't end with happily ever after. How many happy endings do we actually see in our lifetimes? How many painful endings do we see? One doesn't need a scale to compare the weight of the two. We aren't taught as children to deal with all the negativity life throws our way. How do you teach children to deal with reality? The truth is, I don't know. There has to be something. We can't keep going on facilitating a breeding ground for false hope. If we continue, where will we end up? How will we ever be able to deal with anything?

Entries coming soon.


If you'd like, you can check out my other journal - epitomeofpissed

This is where I talk about mostly mundane subject matter as well as daily life.